update: I met a couple of ppl appreciative of my blog and I like that! but here is my official position for this year: I intend to get it on with books and studies at INSEAD – nothing else. So I wont be thinking or advising much about dating etc.
First off, I am unwillingly posting this blog. One of my friends said to me “HG, you are on your way to become a great consultant, will you please analyze why desis don’t seem to get it on with women?”. In a weird way, he did make sense. Nevertheless, I intend to keep this short and sweet. Actually the heading should have read “for Desis” in the end. But I recon some of my advise would be applicable to many other communities (of FOBs) as well. You as a reader will probably have the following questions (in the following order). Here are my answers:
“Genius, what credibility do you have (concerning the topic) ?”
Having lived in the US for about 5 years, I have mostly used my time to learn the culture. The culture, in brief, is all about socialising. I was a part time DJ in Dallas (I actually just helped setup equipment and changed tracks when the main DJ went out for a smoke) and got to meet some of the most wonderful women.
“How are your experiences relevant to what I want?”
My experiences are not relevant to you if you fall into one of these categories:
(a) You are a desi nerd whose idea of outing is going for groceries to the Indian store
(b) You are happy dating your computer
(c) You linger around other desis and talk to your male friends hours in a rowI am an ardent follower of Friedman and his “The World is Flat” theory. I think the only other “force” he omitted to mention was the force of attraction between people of different races. Alongside contributing (albeit minutely) to open-mindedness in business between different parts of the world, it also contributes to dating between races as is evident from sites like <bleeep>.com and <bleeeeeeeeeeep>.com.
“Ok, I can barely wait, what were you going to say?”
First, please burn your beliefs – walking with your stomach out, chewing with your mouth open, feeling up your male friends, smelling like onions, staring at body parts, talking loudly on the phone, etc – is not sexy in the American context. I recommend Bond movies, watch how Sean Connery carries himself; don’t necessarily copy his dressing style because that will make you look like a war vet.
Second, join some kind of community classes or activities…that way you will not only learn a lot about the American culture but also meet terrific women. If you are really in a hurry, join the alcoholic anonymous groups – these groups always have women looking for a shoulder to cry on. Don’t take my word for this one – I’ve heard this from someone.
Know your object of interest. American women are NOT submissive or meek in any way. They have strong opinions about everything that they want to talk about. I guess, what I am saying is that “let her speak” and be a good listener. Read this:
Please do not fall in love with strippers in strip clubs. These women do what they do for money, on other words being nice to you is their job, do not assume this to be a “come hither to my secret garden”.Build confidence…I guess if you are a punjabi, you have probably stopped reading by now because you already know what to do. For my other people from the subcontinent please listen to some of these folks – Bally Sagoo, DJ Swami, Mentor Kolectiv, Juggy D, Thunda Tung, Dr Zeus. If there is one thing that did wonders to me in my endevour to become a confident guy, it is this. Listen to these guys, watch them on youtube, worship them. Listening to David DeAngelo and Tom Leykis also helps. These people are superheroes in this domain, they have tried and tested methods.
Well, I did not mean this to be a very long post. I just wrote this quickly in a couple of minutes. To give you last words of advice: be true to yourself – know what you want out of the woman you are dating. Second, I am just myself around women. They are lie detectors. There is nothing better than a guy who KNOWS where he wants to be 5 minutes, 2 months even 5 years from now – and someone who is in touch with themselves to such an extent have the capability to laugh at themselves, too – there is nothing better than creating awe in your woman…this awe should be strongly coupled with a deep trust for you.
My biggest mistakes – getting bored too soon. In the western world (I do not intend to be demeaning, I am just stating a fact that desis sometimes ignore), men are expected to exhibit strong (think neaderthal man) type of characteristics. Have a deep voice, look enthusiastic, have some mojo. Soon after our second date, I called up a girl that I really liked twice in 2 days. She lost interest. Its as simple as that.
Being cheap. That was the beast in the world of My badness. I used to go out on a lot of dates and spent lots of money (oh, and you pay – always). So I figured the one way to save some money is to hold back on big tips. I once took this extremely beautiful woman to one of the most expensive restaurants in Chicago. We were having a great time – the ambience and the high class of the place helped build up chemistry. Then I blundered – I tipped 5% on a $180 check. The server came straight back at me and respectfully said that “sir, if you loved our service, I think 5% is slightly less than what we expected” (Note: the server was surprisingly good at maths!). I did not sleep, with or without anyone, for a couple of days after that.